Roles
by hoyteca
Summary: The Goddesses decide to offer the Champions some aid. Not everyone appreciates said aid.
1. Not Good With Tests

Part One: Substandardized Testing

"Champion Revali of the Rito of Hyrule. Heed our call."

Revali was awakened by a booming female voice. Looking around, he was perplexed at how the other champions managed to still be asleep.

"Wake them not, Revali." the voice commanded, "This message is for you and you alone. Fly to the small clearing to the north. Enter the door waiting for you there."

Revali obeyed the voice, somewhat unaware of his own actions. Entering the door, he found himself in a strange looking world. He was shocked to find his normal clothes replaced with a green tunic, green hat, pants, and boots.

"Welcome, Champion Revali of the Rito of Hyrule." the voice told him, waking him from his trance, "You have heeded the call of the goddesses of Hyrule. We have heard your great ingratitude, but we acknowledge you have a point. You have worked harder than the others to achieve less than what they were given. We present you with an opportunity to earn what you deserve. Succeed in our challenge and you will be made the Hero. You will be able to wield the Master Sword and it will be you who will slay Ganon... if you succeed here."

"What challenge?" Revali asked, "What if I fail?"

"In this blocky, primitive world, there are nine dungeons." the voice told him, "Find and explore the first eight to find useful tools and weapons. Defeat the boss in each dungeon for a piece of the Triforce. Once all eight pieces are acquired, you may enter the ninth dungeon. In there, you will find and face Ganon. Defeat him and you will be the new Hero. Be warned, champion. You will start with only your clothes and your shield. There are no swords and you will have but one heart of health with no opportunities to increase that number. Good luck."

Revali sighed. He had an opportunity to earn a position better than the positions of those who didn't need to work as hard. But what if he failed?

The adventure was fairly difficult. Revali struggled to avoid the swarms of enemies. Eventually, he had obtained enough money from underground moblins to buy a red candle. The weapon left much to be desired, but it allowed him to slay weaker enemies for rupees. It wasn't long before he had enough for an arrow too.

Eventually, Revali found the first dungeon. It took him awhile to get used to the layout, but he eventually found the bow and the boss. Arrows took care of the boss fairly quickly. After acquiring the first triforce piece, he was back in the overworld.

After some exploration and rupee collecting, Revali managed to find a shop selling a magical defense ring. It cost him every rupee in his pocket, but it was worth it for improved survivability.

To his shock, the ring magically replaced his tunic with a blue dress and heels. He tried to remove them, but a powerful magic prevented him.

"What kind of test is this?" he demanded, "How will this protect me better."

Angered by the silence, Revali continued. The next seven dungeons proved to be fairly difficult. Eventually, it was time for the final dungeon.

"One more dungeon and I am out of this stupid dress." he told himself as he ran inside. This dungeon proved to be the biggest and hardest. The place was packed with like-likes and wizzrobes. Eventually, he found the red ring. Wanting to get the adventure over with as fast as possible, he put it on.

His blue shoes grew taller and pinker. His dress grew longer, heavier, poofier, and pink. His movement was severely limited by the dress's size and weight. Grabbing the red ring may have been a mistake.

Still, he continued on. The dress made it harder to evade foes, but he eventually made it to Ganon. The two fought, but Revali was unable to deliver the final blow. His weapons weakened the pig demon, but none could finish it off. Eventually, Ganon managed to get in a lucky shot that sent Revali flying into the wall.

"You have failed, little birdy." the voice told him mockingly.

"None of my weapons worked." Revali countered, "I needed a sword, didn't I?"

"Correct."

"But there were no swords!" Revali shouted, "Why would you make this test impossible? I made it so far too!"

"Such a spoiled princess." A different booming female voice, "Unfit to bear the title of Champion, much less Hero. But you did make it all the way to Ganon and your archery skills are unparalleled thanks to your years of unmatched dedication. We have a role much better suited to your skills and temperment. But first, you need a hero."

"What I need is either a sword or an exit." Revali rebutted, only to be greeted with silence from the voices. Instead, he was transported to a cramped cell blocked off by flames.

"I guess all that there's left to do is wait." Revali sighed. Fortunately, his heavy dress was replaced by a lighter dress, similar to those worn by Hylian princesses of old, as well as a matching hooded cape.

And Revali waited. Seconds slowly turned to minutes and inutes turned to hours.

"Where is this hero?" Revali inquired.

"Do not worry, princess." one of the booming voices answered, "Your hero will come one day."

One day. Revali waited many days. He waited as the weeks turned to months and the years became a full century. Revali's only company were the flames, Ganon's roars, and the occassional booming voice.

After a full century, Revali finally heard the sound of Ganon dying. He watched as Link entered the room and extinguished the flames with his sword.

"Figures." Revali sighed as a new doorway appeared.

"Take his hand, princess." the voices commanded. Revali grabbed Link's outstretched hand and was led through the doorway.


	2. Metal Cog Gaseous: Solid Urbosa

"It's time, Gerudo Champion."

Urbosa was startled awake by a booming female voice. The others were still asleep with the exception of Revali, who was nowhere to be found.

"Now where did Feathers go off to?" Urbosa wondered.

"There are ruins to the south." the voice told her, "There, you will enter a door to begin your test."

Urbosa couldn't even think as she walked to the ruins. When she walked through the door, she found herself inside a massive complex swarming with Yiga.

"Where am I?" she wondered.

"This is your test." the voice announced, "Within this complex of buildings, walls, and walkways, you will find Nabooru's legendary Sword of the Sage. Find this magic sword and it's yours."

"Sounds simple enough." Urbosa said confidentally. She initially tried to slice her way though the Yiga, but was soon overwhelmed by their sheer numbers. She soon found herself transported back to the starting point.

"That could have gone better." Urbosa sighed, "Need to rethink my strategy."

Ruling out relying on her superior fighting skills, Urbosa decided on a stealthier approach. She stuck to the shadows and observed the Yigas' movements. They appeared to follow set behavioral patterns.

She snuck around quietly until she came across a chest. Openining it, she found a suit in her size.

"Congratulations." the booming voice told her, "You have found the stealth suit. This suit blends in with its surroundings and reduces the sound your movements make."

Urbosa donned the suit and smiled. The fabric really did blend in with its surroundings. After some experimentation, she learned that the camouflage wasn't perfect. The faster she moved, the less it was able to blend in with the floor and walls. Still, Urbosa doubted she'd move quickly too often. The place was crawling with Yiga.

And so, Urbosa continued searching for the magic blade. Climbing to the top of a nearby building, she was shocked to find that the complex seemed to go on past the horizon in all directions. There was no telling where it could be.

Undeterred, she searched high and low. She killed the occasional Yiga, taking great pains to hide its body before its corpse could alert the other Yiga. As she searched, the minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into days, which turned into weeks. Months and years passed. After a century had passed, she finally found her prize. Claiming the sword, she saw a door appear on a nearby wall. OPening it, she found herself on the Great Plateau.


	3. A Rocky Start

"Wake up, Goron Champion."

Daruk woke up groggily and noticed that Revali and Urbosa were missing.

"Urbosa is safe." the voice assured Daruk.

"What about Revali?" Daruk asked.

"Who?"

"The Rito Champion." Daruk told the voice, "Looks like a pheasant. Spends half his time being mad at everyone and the other half trying to be better than everyone else. Really doesn't like Link. He wrote that convenient auto-biography he keeps in his flight range. It's nice he provided reading material for the other trainees, though it's a mystery as to why he doesn't publish it. That guy."

Daruk stood and listened to the voice bicker with another voice.

"I told you she had a name."

"She had a name, but she couldn't pass a test. I mean, how do you fail it? She had an entire century to practice."

"You did remove the swords, but didn't make Ganon vulnerable to other weapons. And you didn't put in an option to retry."

"So it's my fault she couldn't pass a simple test?"

"It's your fault failure was literally the only option."

"Don't excuse her failure. She was clearly unfit to be a Champion. She clearly makes a better princess."

"Excuse me, voices." Daruk said, interrupting their argument, "You clearly woke me up for a reason. Would you mind telling me why I'm awake and whether Revali is okay. You're making me worry about him now."

"Princess Revali is safe." the voice assured him, "She's just going through a change in careers."

"Princess?" Daruk asked in confusion.

"As for why we woke you, please travel east. Jump in the pit and enter the doorway you find. Complete the test to acquire your reward."

Daruk obeyed, travelling to the pit in the east and entering the doorway. Inside, he was transported to another world.

"Complete the dungeon and acquire one of the greatest gifts of all: literacy."

"But I can already read and write." Daruk told the voice, "In fact, my work journals were recently published and went on to be best sellers all over Hyrule. They inspired numerous songs and there's even a big budget play in the works based entirely on those journals."

"Complete the dungeon and acquire whatever we can find lying around. Good luck, Goron Champion."

"Why did you call Revali a princess?"

The response never came. Sighing, Daruk looked around his surroundings. He was in a field surrounded by high walls. There was a village nearby. He rolled over to the village and spoke to an odd-looking person.

"Welcome to Village Town." the person said in a monotone voice.

"Hello." Daruk greeted, hoping to make a good first impression on this odd fellow, "My name is Daruk. What's yours."

"Welcome to Village Town." the person replied.

"You told me that." Daruk told him, "I asked you what your name was."

"Welcome to Village Town."

"I know this is Village Town." Daruk told him, "What is your name? That is all I ask."

"Welcome to Village Town."

Daruk sighed and rolled deeper into the town. Surprisingly, there was only one building and one other person in the town. The building didn't even have doors and the windows appeared to be painted on.

"What's the deal with this place?" Daruk asked a nearby guard.

"Many monsters wander the field." the guard warned him.

"No, they don't." Daruk corrected him, "I was just there. It's empty."

"Many monsters wander the field." the guard told him, "Many monsters wander the field."

"There are no monsters there." Daruk told him, "Seriously, you can just look. The field is right there."

"Welcome to Village Town."

To Daruk's increasing annoyance, the first odd person had approached Daruk and the guard and had now joined the conversation.

"Many monsters wander the field."

"Welcome to Village Town."

"Many monsters wander the field."

"Welcome to Village Town. Welcome to Village Town."

Driven increasingly insane by the "conversation", Daruk rolled toward a cave he had just noticed.

The inside of the cave was well lit, much to Daruk's surprise.

"Welcome to Village Town."

"Many monsters wander the field."

The two guys from the village had followed Daruk into the cave.

"Don't follow me." Daruk pleaded, "Seriously, don't follow. I can't stand you two."

"Welcome to Village Town."

"Many monsters wander the field. Many monsters wander the field."

"Welcome to Village Town."

Daruk could feel his sanity start to slip. The test had only started a few minutes ago and he was already on the verge of begging for mercy.

"Welcome to Village Town."

"Gaaahhh!"

Daruk let out a loud scream and rolled deeper into the cave. Eventually, he came to a room with a sign, a lever, and a locked door. He rolled over to the sign and read it.

"This test is a test of both brawn and brain. In this first room, you must find a way to unlock the door."

"You have got to be kidding me." Daruk sighed, "And if they thought I was illiterate, why would they post a sign?" Pulling the lever, he watched the door unlock.

"Many monsters wander the field."

"Welcome to Village Town."

Daruk could hear those two idiots approach. Panicked, he quickly rolled into the next room. Inside was a moblin, another switch, and another locked door. Sighing, he pushed the moblin over and hit the switch. After he walked through the door, it shut and locked behind him.

"I don't understand how you could have completed the test so fast." the booming voice told him, "It was no easier than Revali's test."

"No easier!?" the other voice shouted, "Revali's test was literally impossible. You took away her title of Champion because of a test you accidentally rendered impossible to complete."

"Revali isn't a Champion anymore?" Daruk asked. Part of him was glad. Revali didn't get along with the others, but Daruk also pitied the poor archer. The title brought him pride. He must have been devastated.

"Good thing she failed the test." the first voice said, "Poor thing would have been the first Champion killed. And she was so young too. Why did Zelda recruit a child soldier? The battlefield is no place for someone so young."

"Can I leave now?" Daruk asked, "Didn't you say I completed this test? Where's the exit and my prize?"

"This is awkward." the second voice admitted, "We haven't found a suitable reward yet. As long as you don't recieve a reward, you can't leave. We'll find something. In the meantime, enjoy this library."

A hidden door opened, revealing a large library. With nothing else to do, Daruk started reading. Over the next century, he read each and every book enough times to memorize each and letter, number, and punctuation mark. After the hundredth year had passed, a treasure chest appeared. Opening it, he was greeted by a book."

"Great." Daruk said sarcastically, "Another book and it's a book I already had, too. Yay."

A doorway appeared. Daruk walked though it and was greeted by Urbosa on the Great Plateau.


	4. Something Fishy

"Wake up, Zora Champion."

Mipha was awakened by a loud, booming voice. Looking around, she was shocked to find herself alone.

"Go to the lake to the south-east. There, you will find a door."

"There's no lake to the suth-east." Mipha told the voice.

A few awkward moments later, a door suddenly appeared in the wall in front of Mipha.

"Go through this door." the voice commanded, "There, you will complete a test. The results of the test will be used to help you in your mission to defeat Calamity Ganon."

Mipha obeyed, walking through the door and into a large room.

"For this test, you will play your accordion."

"But I don't have an accordion." Mipha told the voice.

"But you always have your accordion." the voice said, annoyed, "You traveled the world, playing the accordion. Where's your accordion, Kass?"

"My name's Mipha." Mipha explained, "I never had an accordion."

"Just play a tune somehow." the voice said, sighing in frustration, "I've had a long night with that stupid bird. That Gerudo and Goron weren't much better, either."

Mipha could understand the voice being frustrated with Revali. He was good, but he had an ego bigger than, as well as a temper fierier than, Death Mountain. But Urbosa and Daruk were usually more level headed and actually tried to be tolerable to others.

"Why are you upset with Urbosa and Daruk?" Mipha asked.

"Shut up and play me a song." the voice snapped. Mipha began whistling a tune, much to the voice's annoyance.

"Enough!" the voice yelled, "You passed or whatever. Now complete the second phase."

"What is the second phase?" Mipha asked.

"... Shut up."

Surprised, Mipha stood there and waited for the second phase. With nothing else to do, she waited for an entire century before a small chest materialized in front of her. Opening it, she found a book titled "Living with Greatness: The Revali Story". Upon reading the first page, she realized this was Revali's diary. She then walked through the door that materialized in front of her. She then found herself in front of Urbosa and Daruk on the Great Plateau.

"So, did you guys get tested too?" Mipha asked.

"Yes." Urbosa answered, "Rockboy here won a copy of a book he already owned. I, meanwhile, got this stealthy suit and this sword that's magic somwhow. We don't know where ol' Squawky is. Apparently, he failed his test. What did you get?"

"I got a copy of his diary." Mipha said, "What's the plan?"

"Go to the Ressurection Shrine to the north." the voice commanded, "Inside, you are to awaken the hero."

The trio obeyed. The trip was uneventful. Once inside, they opened Link's sarcophagus.

"Is he supposed to be naked?" Daruk asked, "Not even a pair of shorts for modesty?"

"Just shut up." the voice commanded as Link woke up, "You're always whining about something. If you're so bothered by it, get a job and buy him some pants yourself. Whatever you do, just shut up and quit being a bunch of whiners. You know what? You stay here. You stay for awhile and Link goes because he knows how to shut up. He won't be whining the entire way."

Suddenly, the Ressuraction Shrine's exit was sealed by a stone slab and Link was teleported outside. He searched the Great Plateau until he found a shack. Inside the shack, he found a wardrobe filled with clothes. He put on some pants and a shirt and then went on his way. He had no idea where he was going, so he started wandering aimlessly throughout Hyrule. Eventually, he made it to the Rito Village.


	5. (Part 2) The New Princess (2nd Rewrite)

Revali didn't try to hide his annoyance as Link led him back to the real world. The best Rito warrior alive shouldn't need to be rescued like a damsel, especially from that stupid unwinnable test. The worst part was that he had to be rescued by the Goddesses' pet.

The doorway led to just outside the Rito stable. Revali was wrong. The worst part wasn't being saved by the guy everyone thought was so great. The worst part was the unwanted attention from the Hylians. A huge swarm of them surrounded the pair as Link led Revali to the Rito village.

"Figures." Revali muttered under his breath. The Hylians had been obsessed with princesses since Hyrule's founding, if not sooner.

Much to Revali's annoyance, Link had forced him to stop. The Hylian champion seemed to enjoy the attention the pair were getting. All Revali wanted to do was get to the village, hoping his people were still less embarrassing than the Hylian swarm. After what felt like hours, the pair finally continued their way to the village.

When they finally reached the village, Revali was horrified to find the Ritos acting not too differently from the Hylians. He was unnerved by their smiles and stares. It started with just a few idiots, but he was soon swarmed by what felt like the entire village.

"Welcome home, princess!"

"Do you need anything, princess?"

"You're even more beautiful than the Goddesses implied."

"I don't know how much more I can take." Revali confided in Link, "It was bad enough having to deal with those idiots outside the stable. But my own people? If they build me a castle, kill me. I am a warrior, not some princess that needs rescuing."

"Don't pout." the voice from the test told him, "This is a great honor. Now the name of Princess Revali will live on for generations."

"Leave me alone." Revali told the voice, "This is all your fault. I'd rather be a forgotten warrior than this."

Eventually, they reached the chief's home at the top of the village.

"Greetings, Princess Revali." the large owl greeted with a smile, "I am Chief Kaneli. The Goddesses have foretold of your arrival. They have told us much about your significance."

"I'm sure they have." Revali told him, hiding his displeasure at the mention of the Goddesses.

"Some Royal scholars will arrive within the next few weeks." Kaneli continued, "They'll ensure proper protocols are learned and followed."

"I hate you, voices." Revali muttered under his breath.

"Cheer up, Princess." the voice told him, "Seriously, cheer up. You were always too whiny. You might find you enjoy the attention you always craved. You'll get admiration. You'll get pretty dresses."

"I don't want dresses or to be gawked at by idiots." Revali growled.

"You'll even get a nice husband."

"Any chance you'll let me go back to being a normal Rito that wasn't gawked at by idiots?" Revali asked.

"This is permanent." the voice answered, "We didn't go through all this work just to throw it all away because you're upset because you couldn't pass a simple test. Now enjoy being a pretty princess before we get really creative. We'll even help."

"What do you mean 'help'?" Revali asked, but got no answer. Instead, he got tiny, quiet voices whispering messages in the back of his head.

"You love being pretty."

"You want more pretty dresses."

"Fighting wasn't for you."

"Just think of the husband you'll marry."

Revali wasn't too pleased. Along with the voices came the strange desire to speak like how he assumed idiotic Hylian princesses spoke. He had to concentrate to avoid saying something embarrassing.

"Don't tell the others anything." Revali warned Link. Link walked away without saying anything. As soon as he left, a group of star struck Ritos blocked the exit.

"Hello, Princess Revali." they greeted.

"Hi." Revali replied.

"Can we get you anything?" the male in the group asked.

"Not really." Revali told them. He struggled to fight the urge to embarrass himself. He hoped to outlast the voices' patience, which would hopefully allow him to return to normal. Hopefully.

"Give in." the voice told him, "It'll make them happy."

"I refuse to give up my dignity." Revali told the voice, "Surely, if you needed a princess, a Hylian would be more than willing to accept."

"You can't fight it forever." The voice warned, "The urge will just keep growing and growing until you find yourself putting Hylian princesses to shame."

"I can outlast you." Revali told the voice, "Even if your patience was infinite, I can't live forever. Once I'm dead, I won't be your toy to torment anymore."

"You're forgetting about the afterlife." the voice pointed out, "We have an entire eternity to get you to come to your senses."

"You don't have the patience." Revali scoffed.

"Just think of all you'll gain." the voice told him, "The admiration of your people. A husband. Make-up, dresses, and heels that would make a Hylian princess envious. Just give in."

"I already earned the admiration of my people." Revali argued, "And I don't need that other stuff."

"Um, Princess Revali?"

Revali's argument with the voice was interrupted by a Rito guard.

"Can I help you?" Revali asked.

"The Rito bard has completed work on a song detailing the news of your arrival." The guard explained, "It's already been copied and spread throughout Hyrule, as ordered by the Goddesses. I just thought you'd like a copy."

Revali took the copy and read it:

"On this glorious day of spring,

as the kingdom's songbirds sing,

with the blessing of the goddesses,

comes the glorious Rito princess.

Arriving in her elegant gown,

the most beautiful Rito in town,

may she lead us for years to come,

may she bless our Rito kingdom."

"It's... nice." Revali told him. He wanted to vomit, but a new part of him wanted to literally sing praises for the 'wonderful' song. He knew that new part would grow stronger by the hour.

"Free me from this curse, voice." he demanded.

"Could you please repeat that, Princess Revali?" the voice asked. The new urges surged in strength. He could almost hear the voice laughing as he tried to think of an insult that would never materialize.

"I thank you for this new start." Revali finally blurted out. This isn't how he wanted his dignity to die. Kissing up to their pet would be more dignified.

"You're quite welcome, Princess." the voice told him, "And please stop resisting. The more you fight it, the worse it'll be in the end."

Revali knew the voice wasn't kidding. He also knew his dignity wouldn't die without a fight. Hopefully, the other Champions would not desire to pay him a visit. He knew the voice would make said visit extra memorable.


	6. Short a Champion

The three exhausted Champions rested just outside the ressurection shrine. For two days, they had worked tirelessly to get the shrine door open.

"What do we do now?" Mipha asked, "They could be anywhere."

"The Rito Village would be the most logical place for Revali to go." Daruk suggested, "It is where his Divine Beast is. Even if he had already left, someone there might know where he went."

"That would be our best bet." Urbosa added, "And if Link hadn't gone there yet, he will at some point. It's one of those hero things."

"And if Revali isn't there and Link had already been there?" Mipha asked.

"There are the three other Divine Beasts." Urbosa explained, "If we can't find either of them, we still have one job. We go to our beasts and wait for Link to storm the castle. But first, we pay a visit to the bird people."

The three Champions headed north, stopping every now and then to raid a Blin camp for food. Eventually, they made it to the edge of the Great Plateau.

"Looks like your adventures in idiocy have come to an end." the voice taunted, "How are you planning on getting down?"

"It's a three foot drop." Daruk pointed out.

"It's a massive drop that has kept the Great Plateau free of monsters for a century." the voice countered.

"It's a three foot drop." Daruk insisted, "It clearly hasn't kept the monsters away from the Great Plateau."

"Fall to your deaths then." the voice told them, "Three fewer spewing geysers of stupid to pollute the lands, then."

The trio shrugged and then dropped down the three foot "cliff", much to the annoyance of the voice. As they continued to the north-east, they ran into the large parrot musician Kass.

"I see the Champions return to Hyrule." he said, "Have you perchance heard the great news from Rito Village?"

"We can't say we have." Urbosa told him, her curiosity peaked. News from Rito Village typically didn't leave the village. It was millennia before the rest of Hyrule even learned they were there. It was odd, now that she thought about it, considering they flew practically everywhere, "Would you care to enlighten us?"

A smile appeared on the parrot's beak as he pulled out his accordion and started to play and sing.

"On this glorious day of spring,

as the kingdom's songbirds sing,

with the blessing of the goddesses,

comes the glorious Rito princess.

Arriving in her elegant gown,

the most beautiful Rito in town,

may she lead us for years to come,

may she bless our Rito kingdom."

"They have royalty?" Mipha asked.

"Aye." Kass told her, "The blue pheasant beauty was gifted to us from the Goddesses and delivered to us by their knight. She'll bring us luck and prosperity."

"That solves the mystery of where Revali went." Urbosa thought out loud, "And what he won from their test."

"Thank you for the song." Mipha told Kass, "We'll be sure to pay the princess a visit."

"You're welcome." Kass told her as he put his accordion away, "And it would be an honor for both parties. May we meet again soon."

Kass flew away to spread the news to more people. The trio continued their journey. Urbosa tried not to laugh. His "reward" made sense. He always had an ego, after all. Maybe they'll get a replacement Rito Champion that wasn't full of himself.

A few days later, they made it to the village. The trio were greeted warmly as they entered the village and made their way toward the top.

"You don't think Revali is really this princess, do you?" Mipha asked, "Surely they'd be able to tell he was male, right?"

"We live in strange times, Mipha." Daruk told her, "Mysterious doors magically appear in solid walls to transport us to strange, annoying worlds. Castles taken over by demonic beings. We shouldn't be surprised by anything anymore."

"My money's on him being the princess." Urbosa added, "He always seemed like a spoiled princess to me. I'm hoping he enjoys his new role enough to not accompany us and we get a less annoying replacement Champion."

They eventually made it to the top.

"Greetings, great Champions of Hyrule." Kaneli greeted as they entered his home, "It's an honor to finally meet you. The Goddesses have foretold of your arrival."

"I'm sure they have." Revali sighed as the other Champions got a good look at him. They smirked, struggling to hold in their laughter. Revali wanted to strangle them with his dress, if only it were possible to remove it.

"Greet them." a voice deep inside his head commanded gently.

"We're in need of a new Champion." Urbosa explained to the aging chief, "The Goddesses have commanded the team of Champions consist of a single member from each of the major races."

"We have many fine warriors." Kenali explained, "For now, we would like you to meet our princess."

"Your people seem to adore you, Revali." Mipha told him.

"I can see why you're the princess." Urbosa added. Revali hoped a stray arrow would kill him on the spot. More than that, he wished additional arrows would take out the rest of the Champions. They were annoying when they simply rubbed his flaws in his face. Now they were intolerable.

"They're a great people." Revali said. He had a thousand family-unfriendly insults he wanted to scream at them, but found it physically impossible to do so.

"I gotta say, I love the new attitude, Revali." Daruk said with a smile, "The old you would have given a rude remark followed by a rude gesture by now."

Revali felt like he was dying on the inside from the voice's latest torture. It was a fate worse than the death that was looking pretty good at the moment. He tried to at least think of a few good insults, even if he couldn't say them, but could only think of compliments that made him sick.

"The old you would have tried to claw our eyes out with his talons if he were caught in a dress." Daruk continued.

"I have to agree with Daruk." Urbosa said, "The last time I caught you in a dress, I wound up with some nasty scars. Perhaps your test improved your attitude."

Revali wanted to remind her that it was a tunic and he wouldn't have attacked her if she hadn't kept egging him on.

"Certainly improved your fashion sense." Urbosa added teasingly.

"Kill me." Revali finally managed to say.

"It's running late." Urbosa told Kaneli, "We'll discuss the next Rito champion in the morning."

"Of course." Kaneli told her as the Champions left for the inn.

At the inn, the trio paid for their beds and sat down.

"So what's the plan?" Daruk asked, "Do you think anyone here can replace Revali? It was hard enough finding someone who could pilot Vah Medoh."

"I think anyone can easily replace Revali." Urbosa answered, "Just pray to the Goddesses that he doesn't annoy them to the point they beg us to take him."

"Knowing you, he'd probably wind up having an 'accident'." Daruk told her.

"Knowing him, he'd gladly take that 'accident' over being a princess." Mipha told them, "His diary revealed quite a lot about him."

"Diary?" Daruk asked in confusion, "That wasn't his auto-biography, written in a journal-esque format?"

"What kind of dirt did you dig up?" Urbosa asked, her curiosity growing.

"Quite a bit." Mipha answered, "He called me a jerk. He called Daruk 'special'. He really doesn't like you, Urbosa. Dirty thought. Dirty thought. Really indecent picture. Irrational fear we'd abandon him the second we found someone better. Also, the reason he didn't attend those royal dinners we were invited to was because he thought they'd cook him for said dinner."

"Cook him?" Daruk asked gleefully, "He's not made of rocks. Our little wordsmith has quite the imagination."

"What else is there?" Urbosa asked as Mipha handed her the diary. Urbosa read through the entire book, laughing at every embarrassing detail.

"That's quite a lot of dirty entries." Urbosa observed, "I have a few dirty books myself he'd want to read. Might inspire the dirty bird to write a sequel. 'Giant Cuccos are for Lov'n. An Erotic Adventure by Revali'."

The trio laughed.

"I can honestly see him writing that." Mipha told the group, "Maybe Link and I could get signed copies."

"You think we're being a little mean to the guy?" Daruk asked, "I mean, we're basically making fun of him behind his back. It's pretty obvious he didn't want those entries read. Now you're talking like he's going to make a living writing smut."

"Call it wishful thinking." Urbosa told him, "Let's be honest. He never had the temperment required to be a Champion. For once, he could aid our morale rather than drain it."

"By writing smut?" Daruk asked in disbelief.

"It's better than hearing him constantly squawk how we're all jerks."

"But we are jerks." Daruk countered.

"We're just joking around." Urbosa explained, "Well, not about his potential career as an author, but we are joking about other things. It's what friends do. Today, it's at Revali's expense. Tomorrow, it could be about your inability to grasp our diet of 'not-rocks' or Mipha's relationship with Link. Will they have kids? Can they have kids? Does it count as bestiality?"

"It's morally questionable." Mipha added, "Just like the more traditional Gerudo mating practices or half the things the Hylian government has done."

"Don't tell Revali, though." Urbosa pleaded to Daruk, "As a princess, he wields more power than ever. Don't get on the bad side of a freakishly good archer who has the unquestioned authority to declare war or order executions."

"But we're already on his bad side." Daruk pointed out.

"But not to the point he used his authority to have our headless torsos tossed into the lake." Urbosa explained.

"We need him to write that sequel." Mipha grumbled.

"Agreed." the other two said in unison.

"For now, we worry about his replacement." Urbosa told them, "We need an expert archer that can take a joke without pecking our eyes out. Must not be annoying."

"It's starting to get late." Mipha pointed out, "We can deal with it in the morning."

The trio wished eachother a good night and crawled into their beds.


End file.
